So I decided I’d see what
all the fuss was about and join OKCupid. It’s the premier online dating site
for those who aren’t seeking Russian wives/whores or some low down dirty
Craigslist skanks. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Believe me, I'm not here to pass judgment.
If I had more money, I’d
be expecting a Ukrainian woman any day now, but that’s not the case. No sense
in waiting for the UPS truck to show up...at least not for that. I will be receiving some razors in the
mail though, as I signed up for the Dollar Shave Club a few days ago. Guess
that will have to do, though if by chance some Russian whore does show up, I’ll
be ready to give her that Brazilian if she so requests. Not that she has to
request it, I’ll just do it if I feel like. If she doesn’t like it, she can
find her own way back to Russia.
Anyway if you’re
interested in not spending shit tons of money on razor blades, just follow this
link and sign up. If you sign up, I get a free month of blades. Win-win
situation for you, me and my Brazilian shaving company venture. That’s right.
No waxing, just shaving. I know that’s not how it works, but nothing works
exactly the way you think it does, especially when you can’t speak the
language.
Here’s the link for my
free month….
So back to OKCupid.
So I signed up and I’ve
spent the last few days answering questions that supposedly have a lot to do
with matching me up with prospective love interests. Is that what the kids call
them these days? Anyway, it’s sort of a fun exercise going through all the
questions. How would you answer these?
Would the world be a
better place if people with low IQ’s were not allowed to reproduce?
And my answer….
“Perhaps we should just
get all those who love Hitler back in charge and then we could find out.
Eugenics anyone? Why not? Silly, silly question, why must you exist?”
That’ll surely get me some
women desperate for intellectual conversation. Or maybe just some desperate
women?
How about this one?
How do you feel about
falling in love?
And my answer…
“You can't force these
things. They happen at times when you may least expect, and sometimes they
don't happen at all. Luck of the draw? Probably not. Luck of the Irish? What
the hell does that have anything to do with it? Probably nothing.”
And yes, I know I didn’t
answer actually answer that question. That’s just what I wrote in the box below
the actual answers. You get to add your own commentary to each question, unlike
the standardized tests where you get to
fill in the circle with a #2 pencil, just like in grade school. Here’s an example, so sharpen up that graphite…
Circle the answer that
best describes your willingness to pay for a Russian bride, who will be shipped
to your doorstep, looking for love.
O Wow! Are you serious?
Hell yes, I’d pay for that. Sign me up!
O I’m not all that
interested…unless she’s from Krasnoyarsk.
O Heh…that’s funny. But
really, how much do you think this would set me back?
O What am I supposed to do
with my wife after she arrives?
O I’m not interested.
Seriously, I’m not interested. How much would it cost to just get her panties
shipped over here?
So there are all sorts of
answers you can give to these questions and all of them apparently narrow down
your choices of prospective mates.
I’ve answered 50 of these
questions in the past few days. So far the results indicate that fat women
really dig me. Funny because if I dated them, that’s what I’d have to do…dig
for the treasure. That’s not very nice. I should delete that, but I sent myself
a message the other day to remind myself to write for myself, so that’s what
I’m going to do. If you don’t like it, you can go sell your American self to
some Russian who needs a partner.
In the meantime, I’m done
with this Dylan album.
Thank you Frank Black.
So I guess what I’m trying
to tell you is that my soul mate is out there. Apparently, so far out there
that I’ve had no luck in finding her. At least not on this website. That’s not
actually true. I signed up to see what it was all about, not to find a soul
mate. Currently my focus is on myself and improving my daily life. Others are just there
to distract me from what I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t need distractions. I
need more of this whiskey, and I need to answer some more questions…
Do you like to cuddle?
My answer…
“I like to cuddle when
Ronnie James Dio's song Straight Through the Heart is playing.”
I can think of other songs
I’d like to cuddle to, but that one tops the list. What could possibly be more
appropriate for those who enjoy cuddling? And…shut the fuck up hipsters, I’m
sure there’s some obscure band out there that fits the bill, but we all know
you just go home and put on some Radiohead and expect cuddling to ensue.
Completely fucking lame. Your lack of originality completely astounds.
And what do we have here?
New visitors to my sexy, online profile? Well I hate to disappoint, so here
are some of the folks who have looked at my profile over the past few days…
Pattieopat (“You like kids, dogs, and a new friend.”) If I
wanted to take all that on, I’d just adopt a dog and start fucking it. Nice try
Pattiepat.
Natiechris2 - She’s a 0% match for me. This just might work
out!
BrieCheddarbrie - Supposedly likes Motorhead and Liz Phair. You’re
alright in my book.
TaintedHeartjezebel - I can’t say anything bad about you. You seem to
have a good heart.
Jumpingupnndownn - okay you’re alright as well…kind of hot actually.
Oh man, I could do this
all night long, and I think I will. I’m going to promise you that I will only
be as cruel as I feel like being.
Greatestdanelover71. - Really? There are 70 other people who wanted to
use that profile name? I suggest you look back at what I suggested Pattiepat do. Oh
and your pink UFC fighting hoodie makes me think you’re not quite ready for a
relationship.
I’m shocked at how cute
women can look when confined to one square inch. I see the profile picture and
I think to myself, “damn…she’s cute”, and then I click on the photos and a
whole new, much larger window appears before my eyes. Sometimes I actually have
to reduce the size of these windows so I can take in the whole picture. Oh man,
I’m an asshole. I know. Sorry about that. How does it happen? Where does this
come from exactly? It comes from my inability to give a fuck what others think.
I’m a selfish, selfish, piece of shit who only cares about one thing. Myself.
Okay, back to making fun
of these people.
Photolou2 – Uhhhmmmm….you may as well be photoloumach as far
as I’m concerned. Tom/Sean, you two will get that one.
HR7344 – You remind me of my high school friend Stacy. I
have nothing else to add.
Snowcone69 – That’s not her actual OKCupid name (I’ve changed
all of them somewhat, but tried to keep the meaning close enough for comment),
but the picture of you heading down the slide facedown doesn’t help anyone. And
the picture of you swinging the bat…my nightmares would be complete if that
were in them.
PunkRockGrllllll73 (I have two kids and
one ex-husband. They're super cool and he isn't. My ex and I maintain a
business relationship, with the business being our kids, and nothing more. I don't like
hipsters and have a low tolerance for bullshit. I'm probably way too amused by
stupid funny shit found on the Internet, but don't care. I like what I like.)
Well what
about me and my tight hipster shorts? Sorry, that’s not me, it’s my friend,
Andy. Anyway I wish you all the luck in the world as far as finding what you’re
looking for. I imagine having two kids and an ex might make that more difficult
than usual.
But what do
I know about love?
That’s a
good question and I’ll tell you the answer. I know nothing. I know nothing at
all. Love is something that’s so far beyond my ability to comprehend that I
just don’t bother with it anymore. I’m happy
to find life somewhat interesting and leave it at that. I’ll spend the love
that I have on my family and my friends.
As for actual, romantic love, I’m afraid
I’m going to have to defer to Gordon Lightfoot on this one…
"If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell
Just like a paperback novel
The kind that drugstores sell
When you reach the part where the heartaches come
The hero would be me
But heroes often fail
And you won't read that book again
Because the ending's just too hard to take"
And, of course, you should listen to this recording by Johnny
Cash…
“And I will never be set free as long as there’s a ghost that
you can’t see.”
So that's my OKCupid experience. And now, after five days, I've shut down my profile.* No need to waste the time of these women who are looking for love. I've enjoyed making fun of it for a small bit, but it's not really all that funny. They're just looking for what most of the world is looking for, someone to care for them and love them as they are. Nothing wrong with that. I wish them all the luck in the world. In the meantime, I'll keep searching for the same, but in this case it won't involve anyone else, except perhaps a pumpkin or two (if I'm lucky).
*Actually I just figured out that you can search by keyword, so perhaps I'll spend a bit more time seeing if I can dig up anything else for one of these here blogs. Interesting what you can find when your keywords are Donovan or Judas Priest or T-Rex. Except for the keyword Slayer, which just brings up a bunch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans.
