Anyway, one of the things that 2013 brought me was employment, and not just any employment, but employment that finally delivered the dream sort of job I've only dreamt of for all (almost) 40 years of my existence. I always wanted a job that would afford me the luxury of driving a Mercedez-Benz, and now I've got just that....as I drive a Mercedes-Benz Sprinter Van most of each and every Goddamned day! All those days of my youth when I'd spend my time rolling metal toy trucks to and fro across the carpet from this side of the room to the next have finally become reality. Oh sure, I don't actually drive a big rig, but this is a step in the right direction. I always said you gotta start somewhere and if that's at the bottom of the driving chain, well gosh darnit, that's where I'll start. Here's a little picture of my own personal paradise....
And here's what the inside looks like...
And here's what the inside looks like...
Bitches gotz to ride in style, am I right?
I'm wrong.
It doesn't actually look like that. It's much more metallic looking and quite a bit more sparse. Also since I'm driving it wouldn't really matter if it looked like this would it? The answer is no, no it wouldn't.
However...in lieu of not having that sweet setup inside the back of the van, I've got myself some other pretty entertaining options up front behind the wheel and I'm going to tell you all about them. Lucky for you, as I'm sure there are times when you're out driving around wishing texting and drinking weren't illegal as there's not much else to keep you entertained on the interstates and city streets. Well here are some games I've devised to help quell the boredom that can set in pretty much every hour of the day.
Please keep in mind that my company is located on the South side of Chicago. I won't disclose the actual location or the company name as I certainly don't wish to be fired or embarrass my employers, who are pretty fine people, but just for clarification, it's in between Midway and the Stevenson expressway.
Anyway on with the games. Feel free to play them when you're out driving.
The Double Mex!
Also known as a the Mexican! Mexican!
This occurs when I pass by two Mexican restaurants which are located right next to each other...no other businesses in between. When this happens, I honk for 3 seconds and shake my fist out the window while singing whichever Menudo song comes to mind. It makes no sense, as Menudo was a Puerto Rican band, but I do it anyway.
Terry Cloth Gross Robe.
This is a fun game. Just tune into NPR. That's 91.5 on the FM dial here in Chicago. Once you start to space out for a bit (and it'll happen eventually), imagine that you're sitting down for an interview with Terry Gross, who's only wearing a terry cloth bathrobe. The interview doesn't have to get sexy, but for me, it always does.
Billboard Solutions.
This game is played most often on 294, but you can also do it on the other highways, it's just that you're probably not going to solve anything quite as easily. The premise is that before I leave work I pick out one problem that I've been encountering in life lately and by the time my trip is over I have to find one billboard that advertises the best solution to my problem. Honestly, this works out better than most of the advice shrinks have given me over the years. Of course, JBK is the only shrink I've actually known and since he's my friend and I only see him when we're drinking and bullshitting, I probably shouldn't discount the value psychiatrists can provide. Anyway, back to the game. So pick out a problem and find a billboard that offers you a solution to that problem. It's almost foolproof. I've never solved so many issues just by going to White Fence Farm and Sybaris.
Wheels of Confusion
This is fun and really easy to do, so follow these instructions. Start driving down the highway and stare straight ahead. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look to the side, stare straight ahead. It also helps a LOT if you're hungover and/or very, very tired. Anyway, keep staring straight ahead and try to focus on one small, single dot way out far in the distance. Then let your mind go blank while staring at that dot. When you've gotten that far, start to think about being back at home and climbing into your warm, comfortable, inviting bed and pulling the covers slowly over your eyes, blocking out all light and life from your existence. Now the game begins. Sooner or later you're going to hear someone honk at you or you're going to crash into something. You win when you hear the honk and can react to it soon enough to prevent the crash. If you crash, you kind of lose, but not necessarily. It all depends on your perception of the crash, and it also depends on if you're dead or not.
You can also play the game by substituting death in place of your warm bed, but I find that to be a bit morbid, but feel free to play the game however you want. Regardless, if you play the game right, this is what you might see immediately before the exciting conclusion...
The Bob Seger Tweaker.
This one is pretty easy to play. Every time a Bob Seger song starts playing on the radio, shoot up a bit of meth. I'm not sure any artist more accurately expresses meth use with his song titles than Bob Seger. Night Moves, Turn the Page, Still the Same, Roll Me Away, Beautiful Loser, Like a Rock, Mainstreet, The Fire Inside, The Fire Down Below, Get Out of Denver, Nutbush City Limits. The list goes on and on and on, never ending...just like I feel when a Bob Seger song hits the radio. He may not be a tweaker, but he's definitely the Seger.
Flash Cab!
Every time you drive by a Flash cab, you have to flash them! Now this is kind of difficult, since I don't have a pair of tits, so what I do is flash them mentally. Not with my non-existent tits, but what I do is mentally try to get one of my testicles to drop a bit further down than the other one. This is much more difficult to do than it might seem, especially when I switch it up, as I'm right-brained, but left-testicled, so when I try to do the opposite, it's very, very difficult. Also, this probably doesn't qualify as flashing, but when you're out on the open road making up games, you have to give yourself a bit of latitude with the rules.
Banquet Hall Bawl.
You probably won't understand this one, but every time I pass by a banquet hall over here on the South side, I let out a bawl that would make a thousand banshees envious. This happens because after pretty much every death in my family we usually end up at one of these banquet halls for some sort of luncheon, so what I'm doing is honoring the deceased with my bawls. I don't know if that should be pluralized, but after the Flash Cab game, it seems more appropriate. Actually now that I think of it, it's not so much honoring the dead as it is wanting more South side kraut and polish sausage in my belly. Damn that stuff is good. One of these days, I'll stop and get some.
Nose Pickin' Trickin'
This is probably the game I play most often. All you have to do is stick a finger up your nose and start picking at your boogers. It doesn't matter if you're pretending or if you're really going at it, the game still works. All you have to do is get the driver next to you to laugh at you for your picking prowess. Most of the time they just look over with a dumb expression, but some will laugh. But really, the laughs on them as I'm really usually picking my nose. Like I said there's not much to do on the road. If the driver laughs, you don't have to eat the booger. If they don't laugh, well...
This game often segues nicely into the last game I'm going to share with you...
White Booger, Yellow Booger, Green Booger, Red Booger, STOP!
Now some of you who were just pretending to pick at your nose (liars) won't do so well at this game, but I'm pretty well versed in this one. So start picking and if you come out with a white booger, don't do anything, just keep searching. That's a freebie booger, since they're so common. Now if you come across a yellow one, you're getting somewhere, but not really. Yellow booger means you let off the gas and coast for ten seconds. This is really fun, as it pisses off a lot of people, especially when you're on the highway. Keep picking. If you happen upon a green booger, slam on the gas and haul ass for ten seconds. I don't get too many of the greenies, so this doesn't happen too often. Consider yourself lucky if you do, as it's always fun to haul ass. If you keep picking long enough, eventually the boogers will turn red. Slam on the breaks! Usually the people behind you will be able to stop, but if not, it's their own fault as they should have been paying more attention. If an accident does occur, make sure you clean off your fingers before getting out of the car to confront the asshole who hit you. If no accident occurs, stop playing the game, because red booger is synonymous with blood booger, and your'e probably doing some damage to your nasal passage.
Well that's all the games I've got for you at this point, but believe me there are plenty more. I may have my dream job, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little fun while daydreaming away my job. Perhaps that doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me, and this is my blog so that's all that matters. Good night.
I'm wrong.
It doesn't actually look like that. It's much more metallic looking and quite a bit more sparse. Also since I'm driving it wouldn't really matter if it looked like this would it? The answer is no, no it wouldn't.
However...in lieu of not having that sweet setup inside the back of the van, I've got myself some other pretty entertaining options up front behind the wheel and I'm going to tell you all about them. Lucky for you, as I'm sure there are times when you're out driving around wishing texting and drinking weren't illegal as there's not much else to keep you entertained on the interstates and city streets. Well here are some games I've devised to help quell the boredom that can set in pretty much every hour of the day.
Please keep in mind that my company is located on the South side of Chicago. I won't disclose the actual location or the company name as I certainly don't wish to be fired or embarrass my employers, who are pretty fine people, but just for clarification, it's in between Midway and the Stevenson expressway.
Anyway on with the games. Feel free to play them when you're out driving.
The Double Mex!
Also known as a the Mexican! Mexican!
This occurs when I pass by two Mexican restaurants which are located right next to each other...no other businesses in between. When this happens, I honk for 3 seconds and shake my fist out the window while singing whichever Menudo song comes to mind. It makes no sense, as Menudo was a Puerto Rican band, but I do it anyway.
Terry Cloth Gross Robe.
This is a fun game. Just tune into NPR. That's 91.5 on the FM dial here in Chicago. Once you start to space out for a bit (and it'll happen eventually), imagine that you're sitting down for an interview with Terry Gross, who's only wearing a terry cloth bathrobe. The interview doesn't have to get sexy, but for me, it always does.
Billboard Solutions.
This game is played most often on 294, but you can also do it on the other highways, it's just that you're probably not going to solve anything quite as easily. The premise is that before I leave work I pick out one problem that I've been encountering in life lately and by the time my trip is over I have to find one billboard that advertises the best solution to my problem. Honestly, this works out better than most of the advice shrinks have given me over the years. Of course, JBK is the only shrink I've actually known and since he's my friend and I only see him when we're drinking and bullshitting, I probably shouldn't discount the value psychiatrists can provide. Anyway, back to the game. So pick out a problem and find a billboard that offers you a solution to that problem. It's almost foolproof. I've never solved so many issues just by going to White Fence Farm and Sybaris.
Wheels of Confusion
This is fun and really easy to do, so follow these instructions. Start driving down the highway and stare straight ahead. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look to the side, stare straight ahead. It also helps a LOT if you're hungover and/or very, very tired. Anyway, keep staring straight ahead and try to focus on one small, single dot way out far in the distance. Then let your mind go blank while staring at that dot. When you've gotten that far, start to think about being back at home and climbing into your warm, comfortable, inviting bed and pulling the covers slowly over your eyes, blocking out all light and life from your existence. Now the game begins. Sooner or later you're going to hear someone honk at you or you're going to crash into something. You win when you hear the honk and can react to it soon enough to prevent the crash. If you crash, you kind of lose, but not necessarily. It all depends on your perception of the crash, and it also depends on if you're dead or not.
You can also play the game by substituting death in place of your warm bed, but I find that to be a bit morbid, but feel free to play the game however you want. Regardless, if you play the game right, this is what you might see immediately before the exciting conclusion...
The Bob Seger Tweaker.
This one is pretty easy to play. Every time a Bob Seger song starts playing on the radio, shoot up a bit of meth. I'm not sure any artist more accurately expresses meth use with his song titles than Bob Seger. Night Moves, Turn the Page, Still the Same, Roll Me Away, Beautiful Loser, Like a Rock, Mainstreet, The Fire Inside, The Fire Down Below, Get Out of Denver, Nutbush City Limits. The list goes on and on and on, never ending...just like I feel when a Bob Seger song hits the radio. He may not be a tweaker, but he's definitely the Seger.
Flash Cab!
Every time you drive by a Flash cab, you have to flash them! Now this is kind of difficult, since I don't have a pair of tits, so what I do is flash them mentally. Not with my non-existent tits, but what I do is mentally try to get one of my testicles to drop a bit further down than the other one. This is much more difficult to do than it might seem, especially when I switch it up, as I'm right-brained, but left-testicled, so when I try to do the opposite, it's very, very difficult. Also, this probably doesn't qualify as flashing, but when you're out on the open road making up games, you have to give yourself a bit of latitude with the rules.
Banquet Hall Bawl.
You probably won't understand this one, but every time I pass by a banquet hall over here on the South side, I let out a bawl that would make a thousand banshees envious. This happens because after pretty much every death in my family we usually end up at one of these banquet halls for some sort of luncheon, so what I'm doing is honoring the deceased with my bawls. I don't know if that should be pluralized, but after the Flash Cab game, it seems more appropriate. Actually now that I think of it, it's not so much honoring the dead as it is wanting more South side kraut and polish sausage in my belly. Damn that stuff is good. One of these days, I'll stop and get some.
Nose Pickin' Trickin'
This is probably the game I play most often. All you have to do is stick a finger up your nose and start picking at your boogers. It doesn't matter if you're pretending or if you're really going at it, the game still works. All you have to do is get the driver next to you to laugh at you for your picking prowess. Most of the time they just look over with a dumb expression, but some will laugh. But really, the laughs on them as I'm really usually picking my nose. Like I said there's not much to do on the road. If the driver laughs, you don't have to eat the booger. If they don't laugh, well...
This game often segues nicely into the last game I'm going to share with you...
White Booger, Yellow Booger, Green Booger, Red Booger, STOP!
Now some of you who were just pretending to pick at your nose (liars) won't do so well at this game, but I'm pretty well versed in this one. So start picking and if you come out with a white booger, don't do anything, just keep searching. That's a freebie booger, since they're so common. Now if you come across a yellow one, you're getting somewhere, but not really. Yellow booger means you let off the gas and coast for ten seconds. This is really fun, as it pisses off a lot of people, especially when you're on the highway. Keep picking. If you happen upon a green booger, slam on the gas and haul ass for ten seconds. I don't get too many of the greenies, so this doesn't happen too often. Consider yourself lucky if you do, as it's always fun to haul ass. If you keep picking long enough, eventually the boogers will turn red. Slam on the breaks! Usually the people behind you will be able to stop, but if not, it's their own fault as they should have been paying more attention. If an accident does occur, make sure you clean off your fingers before getting out of the car to confront the asshole who hit you. If no accident occurs, stop playing the game, because red booger is synonymous with blood booger, and your'e probably doing some damage to your nasal passage.
Well that's all the games I've got for you at this point, but believe me there are plenty more. I may have my dream job, but that doesn't mean I can't have a little fun while daydreaming away my job. Perhaps that doesn't make sense to you, but it does to me, and this is my blog so that's all that matters. Good night.
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