Fortunate Son.

Your heavy desire, only allow you to see what you are looking for.
If I could accurately, and with complete understanding, interpret what this fortune means, and also show, how it very well could change the future as we know it, I'd be writing some sort of self-help book on the subject. I don't know what it means. Also, that is not my grammatical error in bold. Do you think that when fortune cookie fortunes (as if there were any other cookies offering up advice) contain errors like that, they help perpetuate Asian stereotypes? As a pasty white caucasian, do I find myself mimicking the voice of who I believe to be the person responsible for creating that fortune? I guess I sort of did that time. Not with any negative bent, but I thought it in a slightly different voice. Does that make me a racist? Perhaps. Or perhaps I just decided to step into another dimension in order to comprehend the situation? If I try hard enough, I'll answer the question, or at least I'll amass enough bullshit to create whatever reality I want.

The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 
This could be bad. This could be really bad. If others covet my luck, that means they desire it, and if it's bad luck for me that they covet, I'm not going to be for long. Of course, that's the half-empty approach to that fortune. I imagine the author meant that the amount of luck individuals possess is more than enough to be successful in life, and if you take advantage and use that luck, others who don't make that choice, will be envious of your luck. I suppose this fortune is advising me to start using my luck. 

The shortest distance between two people is a smile. 

I suppose that could be true, unless ones penis finds itself inside another's vagina. That seems like it would be a bit closer than a smile, but I could be wrong. 

Haste does not bring success. 
You cannot force creativity with drink, but at times, it helps me give you mediocrity, the likes of which are not commonly found in nature. Listening to the Pretenders first album also helps. Great stuff. This fortune is only half true. Haste running down the baseline, more often than not, results in more success. Breaking a tackle, getting free in open space, and running as fast as you can usually gives you more success. I also thought of another more vulgar example, but I've decided to keep that one to myself for the time being. Whether or not, I choose to write it down and use it at a later date will be kept secret. Okay, back to the fortune. It seems true that if you succeed, it probably wasn't done through haste, but hard work and perseverance. Those unique virtues, which are pretty much universal, always seem to be the answer, except for a very small percentage of folk, but this is not a political blog, it's a plasticine love affair with this tape measure. Now that I picked it up, I see that the manufacturer is named Servess. That's what the love affair was all about.

I'm not sure what happened in that last paragraph, and I have absolutely no idea what that love affair sentence means. Actually I do, it's complete nonsense.  Let's put that behind and move on. 

A smile is nearly always inspired by another smile. 
No doubt referring to a vertical smile, or in my thought, smiles. Both of which would be occurring simultaneously during a bit of scissoring. I'm not here to promote other websites, but I decided to find the online definition of scissoring, and Urban Dictionary really came through with not only the definition, but a very entertaining example as well.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scissoring

I'm not sure if that's all I have to do when referencing another website, but I would imagine that's good enough. The source is right there in the link and I mentioned the name of the website. What else could they possibly need? A banner ad? A picture of the founder?

Alright, yes a smile is often inspired by another smile. That's a nice fortune. Smile and the world smiles back at you, right? Well, not dirt and water and other inanimate combinations of matter, but you know what I mean. I've often been told that I don't smile enough, and that may be true, but sometimes when I'm not smiling, I allow for the Universe to provide others, who need to smile a lot , unfettered access to my inner bank of smiles. I do not charge interest on these smiles, and that's because I love you. You are very dear to me, my readers. That is why I've decided to start putting up ads on my website. I know, I know, I'm selling out, but from what I understand, I'll be able to make almost enough, in the next month, to provide a small amount of help to Judy, who stands outside the Chicago/Western CVS, always asking politely for a bit of spare change. She's a nice lady, that Judy. I decided many months ago to give her change or cash every time I crossed her path. I had decided I'd do it for a month, but habits are difficult to break, so I'd guess 95% of the time I've given her something. She's always very grateful, as she probably should be if she wants contributors, but it's nice to stop and chat for a few moments. I enjoy old people. They usually have something good to say.

That one got away from me as well. It's not worth my while to put up ads on this site. I hope that inspires you to not put up ads on your site, because if a certain thing always inspires that same thing, much like a smile...I digress, because that question was about to become so far out that I conjured up John Denver in my mind when I read it once more. Onward and upward.

When you can't naturally feel upbeat, it can sometimes help to act as if you did. 
Some would suggest being upbeat is always a choice, but I believe, science says otherwise. There's probably a nice bell shaped curve somewhere describing the spectrum of human thought on that topic, but I'm not presently interested in that. I'm much more interested in this Simon and Garfunkel album playing in the background. Though, with a band of that caliber, it's so much more enjoyable to have them in the foreground, so I've just now made the decision to play this song on the bedroom speakers instead of in the living room. That way I can physically have the music in the foreground. Sorry, gotta run...I'm building a metaphorical happiness bridge, which has the possibility of spanning large quantities of troubled water. Damn, that's a fine song. Certainly one of the best all-time, but listen to the last minute and fifty seconds of the song. Simply fantastic. Quite possibly the greatest two minutes of music in recorded history. And now that we're measuring that way, M.O.D.'s Short But Sweet is probably the greatest seven seconds in recorded music history. Dang. Just checked that and there's a bit of a battle on my hand. Sufjan Stevens One Last "Whoo-hoo!" For The Pullman, is also seven seconds. I can already split all of my friends up into groups of who likes which song better. One group seems a bit larger, which only means that they are more mainstream.

Lame.

Well that's all for this here post. Now that I'm finished, I'm pretty sure I forgot to interpret any of these fortunes. Perhaps some other time.

Melon(choly)?

One of the first indications that summer has arrived here in Chicago is when old, beat-up pickup trucks, filled with watermelons, are spotted parked along the side of the street. Perhaps they aren't all old and beat-up, but who really pays that much attention, when you know that they're filled with so many pounds of deliciousness? In my opinion, there is no better summer fruit than a plump, succulent watermelon. In fact, I can't think of any other fruit that even comes close to signifying the oncoming warmth of summertime. Perhaps there is, but for these purposes, let's just ignore the others.

There's a certain satisfaction when you carry home some fifteen pound behemoth watermelon. It's a feat of strength that not everyone can accomplish. The physically weak will easily wilt under that much weight, and the mentally weak will head home with a cantaloupe. Pussies. 

Now I suppose you could purchase one of those smaller, less impressive baby watermelons, but let's be honest, what you're really doing is purchasing a late term abortion watermelon. That watermelon was not given the chance to reach maturity, but you'll be more than happy to take it home (in a bag), chop it up, and serve it to your kids for a snack. Shame on you! That's disgusting. 

On the other hand, perhaps you'd just like to buy pre-sliced watermelon from the refrigerated section in the produce department. If you're this person, please stop reading my blog. 

So perhaps you're wondering what the hell is the point, Dave? I'm also wondering that right about now, but there is one. My roommate, Andrew, brought home a watermelon to share and I finally got around to taking a knife to it so I could enjoy it's sweet, delicious red flesh. Not really enjoy in the eating sense of the word, but more in the curious with a camera type of enjoyment. You see, he brought this watermelon home at least 8 or 9 months ago. Now having previous experience chopping up old watermelons, I knew what to expect, and I was not disappointed. 

Here's the first, not yet chopped up picture. Note the facial features on this watermelon. It's rather eerie and ghostlike, but that's what you'd expect from a watermelon, which was not allowed to advance to the birth stage. Yes, he brought home one of those small, baby, late-term abortion melons. 

And here's what it looks like after chopping it down the middle and exposing it's inner melon. Not exactly the usual crisp, sweet flesh you'd normally find, is it? 

And finally, here's another picture of the face, this time mangled a bit from having sliced it open. 

So what have we learned? I have absolutely no idea, what you've learned, but I've learned, once again, that old, rotting watermelons are kinda gross, yet fascinating at the same time. 

Roast In Hell!

I've been mulling over some changes to this here Erased Chalkboard blog for quite some time now, and I'd like you all to know that I've decided to dedicate the blog entirely to food. That's right, food! We all need to eat you know, and what better way to learn about eating, than to read my blog for all the latest, delicious,  food-related nuggets of information? I'll be covering everything from roasted veggies to well...roasted veggies, so let's get started!

I found myself at the market earlier today, and by market, I mean Farmer's Pride, the teensy little grocery store on the corner of Chicago and Western. This is where I buy 93% of my groceries, as they have a very extensive list of items, which 93% of the time, meet all of my demanding culinary needs. They sell locally baked bread, delicious corned beef and/or roast beef, which is found at the deli, as well as bottles of pasta sauce, packaged gnocchi, and cans of Monster energy drink! That pretty much sums up the contents of my usual shopping basket. 

There is also a decent produce section in the main part of the store as well as one which is located in a little room to the right of the checkout counter. I know this, because I pass by it when I make the impulse decision to purchase potato chips or soda pop, which are located on the wall opposite the nutritious stuff. 

Anyway, the point of me blogging all this exciting information, is that today, I skipped over the pop and the chips and decided to fill my basket with a beautiful fresh bounty of vegetables, no doubt, shipped straight to Chicago from some local farmer in Guatemala or Peru. Only the freshest produce for this food blogger! Having a bit more time on my hands than usual these days, I thought it would be a good idea to roast some veggies for dinner, and my goodness, what a great idea that turned out to be. Perhaps I should have written, my greatness, but in hindsight, that seems a bit douchey...I'll save it for another blog. 

So I got home and a few hours later, I found myself chopping up asparagus, cauliflower, garlic, onion, red peppers, green peppers, yellow squash, and of course, mushrooms. The scent of vegetables was not in the air, as they were just chopped vegetables, so they didn't really smell like much. Except the onions, those smelled a bit and were irritating my eyes, so I dumped them into a covered bowl. Anyway combine all the  veggies in a big bowl, dump on some extra virgin olive oil, sprinkle on some salt and pepper, and shake somewhat vigorously for twenty seconds or so. Now you can skimp out and choose to use another type of oil, but I wouldn't recommend it. Extra virgin olive oil is the best type to use for roasted veggies, as it's the only kind that my roommate has in the apartment. However, if your roommate does not have any oil in the apartment, you're shit out of luck and might have to go buy some yourself or ask said roommate that you'd appreciate it if they'd run to the store for some. Do not and I repeat, do not offer up roasted veggies as a trade for the oil. It's not worth it. The veggies are way too delicious to be sharing with that a-hole. 

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees (I guessed), toss the mixed up veggies on a couple of lined cookie trays, and insert into your convection oven. Now my oven is both conventional and convectional, so perhaps you won't have that luxury. Also, I don't think convectional is a word, but this is a food blog, so I'm not going to bother researching that. I think you all understand that I'm busy eating delicious roasted vegetables and really don't have time for nonsense like Google. 

So here's what you get if you do this correctly...

Holy Lord...I hope the preview of this picture is not accurate, because it doesn't look nearly as beautiful as I recall. Those are red peppers, not pieces of pumpkin. 

So there you have it! Delicious roasted vegetables. And one more note, before I bid you adieu...if you line the trays with parchment paper, don't place it on top of the stove next to a boiling pot of water, as it's very, very likely that it will catch on fire and cause the smoke alarm to activate. Also if you do by chance do that, it's best to not have the dishwasher open with the trays pulled out as that will definitely block your path to the sink if you're wanting to put out the fire. 

Well have a great day everyone! I hope you've enjoyed my first attempt at food blogging. It's probably going to be the last as well.

 Bon A Petiet!

Almost Blog.

I came back from The Beetle tonight all ready to write up a new blog, but somewhere along the way I developed quite a case of the tireds, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to happen.

Narcissistic Annoyance

So I was lying awake the other night unable to fall asleep as usual and all sorts of odd thoughts were floating through my head, but one in particular happened to get stuck. At the time, I contemplated getting up and blogging about it right then and there, but like most times, decided against it. I'm sure that comes as a total shock if you've ever noticed how few blog posts inhabit this space. I decided against blogging at that time, because that just would have prolonged my sleeplessness, and that's usually not a wise thing to do when one has a long day at work the next morning.

Anyway...once a year I spend a solid amount of time putting together a little something to hand out to close friends and family for Christmas. I've done this for several years now and it's the same gift every year. It's long past being any sort of surprise. Perhaps it's a bit monotonous for those on the receiving end, I don't know, as I'm not in those receiving shoes. What I'm getting at here is that for the past few years, there's not much response back from those who've received. For many, there's no response at all, besides a simple thank you, which maybe should suffice, but apparently it doesn't, otherwise I wouldn't be writing about it.

I suppose what I'm looking for here is some feedback. I'd like to know what you may have liked or disliked about it. Did you find anything humorous? Did you enjoy any pictures? Did you read something that disgusted you and immediately threw it in the trash? Was there a part of you that had any sort of reaction at all to something? Do you hate me because I made fun of religion? Just a bit of feedback is what I'm after, that's all. Much time was spent on this one and to not hear much of anything in return is sort of like Jesus finally returning from the dead only to find that nobody really cares anymore about being saved. Okay maybe it's not just like that and perhaps it's just my ego being a little bitch (quite possible), which is why I initially put off writing this post. The other reason being procrastination, but only for two days, which in my world, isn't too bad.

Well there you have it. I said it and now it's out there for the whole blogosphere to view and comment and snicker about. And for those of you who did give me some feedback, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's nice to know what you thought. And for those that haven't, I suppose it's possible that you were just so overwhelmed with intrigue and admiration and jealousy of my talents that you were too tongue tied to say much of anything. Perhaps, weeks later, you're still having trouble formulating a response and that's understandable.

Anyway my world continues to slowly revolve around me, so thanks for reading.

Postscript...after writing this blog, I continued reading about Huck Finn and his adventures and at some point drifted off to sleep. While sleeping I had a dream that I was at my Uncle Bill's house in Batavia, where my family and I spent six years living in the early 80's. He was having a Christmas party for the family, which is somewhat odd considering that it's been a long time since that house hosted any sort of shindig, at least to my knowledge. Anyway, I was sitting on a couch in the top portion of the living room, and behind the couch was a coffee table with a small Christmas tree on it. As I turned around to look at the tree, I noticed what looked to be a weekly calendar covered in a very thick layer of dust. I picked it up, said to myself, "see I was right", and blew all the dust off the cover. 

Work, Work, and More Work.

Print for two minutes, stop for one. Print for two minutes, stop for one. Print for two minutes, stop for one. Print for two minutes stop for one. Two hundred and twenty one sheets of paper printed. Manually clean the blanket and then run nine print cleaner sheets. Repeat 125 more times. Two weeks and 30,000 sheets later perhaps this job will be over soon.

But as everyone has tried to hammer into my head for the past few years...I should just be thankful I have a job, right?

Right.

That's probably true and all, but it's not how I like to think. This is where I should probably start ranting about the state of the economy and many of the things that took place to get to where we are nowadays, but I have no interest in that at the present moment. I'm just going to continue on 55 sheets a time, just like Sammy Hagar would do, except I will mix it up a bit by printing the cleaner sheets before manually cleaning off the blanket. It's good to change things up every now and again, so the relentless monotony of printing erodes my brain a bit slower than usual. Cranking this Journey song will help with that as well.

"Feelin' That Way!"



So this is what I've been doing all week long and the week before and for a few weeks before that. The press has not been working correctly for about a month and a half and the service folk can't seem to figure out what's wrong. What's wrong is that we have this press that is ten or twelve years old and needs to be put to rest. Don't get me wrong, 6199 and I have had lots of good times together, but at some point one of us is going to have to go, and as you all know, that's probably not going to be me, what with my precise lack of focus and direction.

"Oooohhhhh anytime that you want me, oooohhhh anytime that you want me."

And not surprisingly, the Loop follows up that one with Cheap Trick's I Want You to Want Me. Not that I'm complaining, but pretty easy lyrical transition there rock station. And with that, all of my printing focus for this blog has been shattered, much like the virgin status of all the teen girls who lost it to this song back in 1977.

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, now touch me baby...can't you see that I am not afraid."

Apparently the Loop DJ is either getting blown in the studio or he's doing his best to increase teen pregnancy rates in the Chicagoland area. Either way I appreciate the effort he's putting forth.

That is all. 

Newer Post!

Alright it's been long enough. Time to once again write about nothing, I know you've all been patiently waiting for new content, so here you are. Disappointment forthcoming my friends as I really don't have much to write. Fortunately I've got some fortunes to throw out so here we go...

Behind an able man, there are always other able men. 
This is too gay for me to comment on.

You have an unusually magnetic personality. 
Pretty sure I received someone else's fortune cookie by mistake. No doubt it was one of my roommate's as they're all about eating Chinese food, but very rarely do they indulge in the sweet delight of the cookie. Too bad for them, as they're also missing out on these rare insights. But on the off chance it was meant for me...ahhh...that's way too farfetched for me to even pretend, but perhaps they're referring to a magnetic personality in the case of two magnets repelling each other? That makes a bit more sense.

There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead for you. 
Now this is definitely true at the moment. Not sure what you kids are doing for the rest of the week, but I'll be heading down to St. Louis in a day and a half to visit with my good friend Tim. Now surely that's enough excitement for most people, but we're not quite done as Thursday night we're going to see the greatest heavy metal band of all time, Judas Priest! I'm not sure if Tim has ever seen them live now that I think about it. It would be a shame if he hasn't already, but I can guarantee he will not be disappointed. Anyway heading back to Chicago the next day on the ol' Amtrak and then also going to see Priest here in Chicago on Saturday night. Honestly, I'm not sure if there could be a better weekend as far as excitement is concerned. Now maybe you're thinking to yourself that this certainly wouldn't be your cup of tea, but that's only because you're stupid and lame. There I said it. Somebody had to.

Good beginning is half done. 
Not sure what to write about this one. Think I had a similar fortune bestowed upon me by these Chinese fortune tellers last time, but not sure what I wrote. Good beginning is half done. Sounds to me like this blog post, but I'm not even convinced it was a good beginning. How about average beginning is hardly done at all, so get back at it and try to do something worthwhile for once? I'm guessing most people might not like that fortune all that much, but it's probably more worthwhile than some of these cookie stuffings.

You're talents will prove to be especially useful this week. 
Again, very true, very true. My air guitar mastery will be on display for several hours this weekend for all to enjoy. Surely I can shred better and faster than that fat dude one row over with the bald(er) spot and the hooker girlfriend. What other talents in my possession will be useful you ask? No idea. Work is busy, and I haven't been slacking, so that printing talent is certainly beneficial to my employer. Too bad for them that I won't be in the office until Monday after I finish up tomorrow night. I'm sure my replacement can continue the work I've started and I'm sure once I get back I'll be finishing it all up. That's what I get paid for, so that's what I'll be doing.

Your present plans are going to succeed. 
Alright this is just a blatant falsehood, as I have no present plans and I know they're not talking about my going to see Priest this weekend. I specifically made sure to be alive for such an event as this and I'll be damned if some jackass fortune teller is going to...wait a second, it says the plans will succeed. My bad. Apparently I'm good at typing out fortunes, but not so great at recalling what it was that I just typed. Anyway, yes,  my plans will succeed for this weekend. However, one caveat, as I don't really know when I opened up this fortune, so whether those present plans succeeded or not, I have no way of knowing. And damnit...that was another sneeze and perhaps my immune system is feeling a bit compromised at the moment. Not at all interested in such a situation. Cold-Eeze has entered my mouth cavity in case you were curious. Tastes lemony and zincy all at the same time.

Well that's all I have for the moment. Still plenty more fortunes to write about, but we all have to call it quits at some point. Hopefully there aren't all that many typos or other mistakes here in this blog post, as I don't really feel like going back to check. Take care my friends.