Happy Xmas (War Is Over...Mom Edition)

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

Christmas is in what, three days?

I haven't bought any gifts. Not one. Haven't even thought about it actually. I just don't care all that much about gift giving at the moment. It doesn't concern me and I'm sorry if some kiddos will be disappointed to just receive a card and some cash, but that's just the way it's going to be this year.

I wish I could just chalk it up to being a scrooge, but that wouldn't be quite accurate. That's not to say there weren't years in the past where it would have been quite accurate, but that's neither here nor there. Okay, maybe it's slightly accurate, perhaps 10%, but not enough for me to count that as being truly accurate.

And don't get me wrong, I'm actually looking forward to Christmas this year, as it's a bit of a change of pace with family members from both sides of the family joining in the festivities. That doesn't happen often. Actually, I'm not sure I can recall it ever happening. My Dad's brother Lou and his wife  Judy are hosting out there in Elmhurst. Unfortunately, my Dad won't be able to make it this year, but that's okay. I've sort of come to expect that that's just how it's going to be most years and I can't really blame him for making that decision. Sometimes those family gatherings can be a bit stressful, ya know? Fortunately, Mom and all the kids and plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins will be there, so good times will surely be had by all.

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Let's hope it's a good one
without any fear

I really do hope it's a good one for all of us. Pretty sure most of us deserve that at the minimum.

Personally, 2017 isn't going to go down in my history book as one of my favorite years, and to be honest, I'm quite a bit fearful of what 2018 will bring.

My Dad has been skipping these Christmas get togethers for almost 30 years now, so I'm kind of used to it, but I'm not ready for my Mom to start doing the same. I've had plenty of time to prepare for it, but there's just no amount of time sufficient to prepare for such a thing. I've spent the past 42 Christmases with my Mom and in a few days I'll spend my 43rd with her, but I'm scared that there won't be a 44th. Mom was diagnosed with stage IV stupid cancer last October and she did all she could to defeat it...was even declared cancer free at one point, but as we all know, that sort of thing doesn't always last too long and, unfortunately, that's the case this time.

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for White
For yellow and red one
Let's stop all the fight

My Mom is very pragmatic. She looks at the facts and makes a decision. Of course that's not to say she doesn't sometimes take forever to make a decision, but she's not one to let emotions get in the way of that final decision. She deals in logic. I appreciate that. Much better than having to deal with some nut job who either can't understand the facts or who let their emotions control all of their decision making. Not to mention the poor souls who do both of these things. Buban's don't have time for that kind of bullshit. Mom has taken in all the information, weighed it all, and decided, that for her, it's time to skip out on future cancer treatments. She's had enough.

And if you're wondering, no, she did not consult with me on this decision. I'm not sure why, but if I had to guess, it's because it's not really any of my damn business. It's not my fight. I have no say in when it gets to be over. I don't really want a say. I just want my Mom to hopefully have some more days where she might feel decent. Might be able to eat some breakfast and enjoy it. Might be able to step outside and go for a walk just for the fun of it. Might decide to read a bit of some book she's been putting off. Might have some more energy to yell at Michael about something. Might have some time to send me that $41,817 she owes me for all the chores I did back in the day that she promised to reimburse me for, but never did (FYI, I've included interest payments in that calculation). Might have some time to sit back and just look out the window and watch a few birds fly by while thinking about how nice the day is. Might just do whatever the heck she feels like doing without feeling sick.

I wish I could give her that.

I wish I could give her that.

I wish I could give her that.

Perhaps I can to some small degree.

I can try, right?

Apparently, I was mistaken.

I do have a gift to give, I just didn't realize it.

And no one I've ever known deserves it more than my beautiful Mom.

She's the best!

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very Merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now

I love you Mom!

To My Special Sweetheart Cutie!

Thanks, Mary Mac! You always were quite prescient with your wisdom, and this case is certainly no exception. I was all of 15 days old when I was given this card, but to be honest, I really don't remember receiving it, which seems like it might be a bit ungrateful, but I'm going to give my 15 day old self a break on this one. Forty-two years later, I probably just don't remember the quick smile and the "we're all cool" fist bump I gave my Aunt as acknowledgement for her kindness.

So to sum up…I'm special, I'm a sweetheart, and I'm cute as can be.

And so are all of you my dear readers!

Happy Valentine's Day.

If I Intend to Live Again

"If you intend to live again
Then take the outstretched hand
Of one who needs you
It's been so long, we've missed you

Why do you intend to speed your end?
Lie in the dark and let your limbs
Grow weaker, sinking low then deeper
How can you be so near and not see everything?"

Every now and again I feel as if I'm near, but it's only for short, fleeting moments. I don't see everything, that's for sure. I've been doing everything I can, as far as I know, to move on. Stuffing myself full of Science of Mind information. Eating well. Sucking down amino acids like they're delicious Sixlets. Waking up early. Going to bed early. Being productive. Writing more. Meditating. Exercising, when my silly back permits.

Sometimes though, none of that progress means anything. Believe me, the work I've done has helped tremendously, but it's obvious that I need to keep at it and ramp it up to some extent. It's only been two and a half months, but it feels like it's been ten years since I last wrapped my hand up inside of hers. It's worse every time Friday rolls around. Work keeps me busy and occupied during the week and then, all of a sudden, it's time for a few days off and I don't really know what to do with myself. I mean, I know what to do with myself, and I cross plenty of things off my to do list, but my mind doesn't know what to do with all that free time, so it just ends up seeking out the past. It's ridiculous how many things come back to you when you're in this state. There are all the obvious things, but my mind wanders into so many corners and crevices that I didn't even know existed. Everything seems to bring back a memory and this beautiful weather this weekend just made me think of all the things we could have been doing. I suppose when you spend that much time with someone the memory banks inevitably end up overflowing. What I'd give right now to access the spigot that would let it all pour out and go away forever.

Unfortunately, that spigot is my mind, and I'm not yet where I need to be as far as controlling it. I'll get there and I know it really hasn't been all that long, but I need to be more mindful of the things I allow into my mind.

One of those things is music. I've stayed away from a good bit of the music we shared, but I've been lazy as far as filling up my iPod shuffle. Clicking on one of my Buban Bash party playlists and filling it up just isn't cutting it at this point. Case in point, last night, when I was on my long journey home from my friends birthday party in Logan Square, I ended up walking down Halsted for quite a while, as the bus was nowhere near where I needed it to be. I'm listening to my iPod and these three songs came along in consecutive order...

The Mad Lads. I Don't Want to Lose Your Love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqeeiWPCVsM

"If you leave me baby, I'll keep on loving you anyway.
I wouldn't feel bad girl falling on my knees begging you to stay."

Rainbow. Since You've Been Gone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVlweGKZEqw

"I get the same old dreams, same time every night
Fall to the ground and I wake up.
So I get out of bed, put on my shoes, and in my head
Thoughts fly back to the break-up."

The Beatles. I Need You.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7nIWKApT30

"You don't realize how much I need you
Love you all the time and never leave you
Please come on back to me
I'm lonely as can be
I need you."

I guess I can be thankful that this one didn't start playing next, as it was on the iPod.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7th5Tm5-64

Fortunately, the Joan Baez version of The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down started playing instead. A few minutes later, I got on the bus, had insufficient funds on my Ventra card, exited the bus, and then called up an Uber. Forgot to account for all the bus and train rides this weekend. Oops a daisy.

I don't need to be hearing this shit constantly on my iPod. I constantly have to have my finger on the forward button, so I can skip through all the songs I don't want to deal with. If I didn't listen to music so much, I wouldn't have this problem, but I do, and I'll continue to do, but no more autofilling that iPod of mine. Loving music and barely being able to tolerate it don't go hand in hand very well. Those three songs are great songs, but I'd be fine if I didn't hear them again until 2016, at the earliest. And who the hell wants to hear those kinds of songs at a party? What was I thinking when I started assembling that playlist? It's supposed to be a party, a celebration, a fun time. No one wants to hear songs about love having disintegrated. Keep it happy, keep it upbeat. That's the message I'm trying to embed into my mind. Keep it happy. Keep it upbeat. Reversing a lifetime of negativity doesn't happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day and my mind isn't going to reverse all of that damage in two and a half months.

So I'll be more mindful of what I allow myself to hear. I'll be more mindful of what I'm allowing in. And I'll definitely be more mindful of what I'm allowing out, what I'm letting go.

"There's no point in beating yourself up.

The choice was made, deed is done, day is over.

Time to move on, and with no regrets.

Take with you the lesson but leave the judgment.

Just try again tomorrow."

And yeah, I know, I know, I'm not supposed to post these sorts of weakness/feeling/break up type of posts, but I don't really give a shit. It's my blog. It's how I'm feeling. Writing about it helps for some reason. I don't know why. I do enjoy the writing process, so I suppose whatever helps is a good thing. Sorting out your feelings is also a good thing, you should try it some time. Actually, we should probably do it all the time. 

And also I know everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out for the best in the end and that my thoughts determine what happens in my life. Sometimes it's all easier said than done. Someday (hopefully soon) that won't be the case. 

And also yeah, yeah, I know...I probably shouldn't post blogs during Blackhawks playoff games, but I'm not watching and perhaps you folks will read it later on after they've won. 

Humbled Bug.

Warning! This blog isn't going to be all that humorous or perhaps even all that entertaining, but I needed to write it in order to help me sort out some thoughts. This is the fourth blog I've written in the past few days, and this is the only one that will ever see the light of day. Writing has been therapeutic for me lately. One of these days, it'll be back to being fun.

I was given the opportunity, once again, of being completely humbled by life this past week. I've noticed that it's usually not a fun occurrence when one gets humbled, and this time was certainly no exception. How's that one song go? "Flying high on Sunday, shot down a few days later?" I know those aren't the actual song lyrics contained in the popular version, but I'm pretty sure they're from an earlier, rare demo tape, which disappeared long ago, most likely, never to be unearthed during my lifetime.

It's humbling to realize my version of who I was and what I was doing could be so different than another persons version. It's humbling to realize I was selfish and partially the cause of someones pain and depression. It's even more humbling to realize I was completely clueless to all of it.

When we are in pain, it often seems like the worst thing in the world. It's usually not, but we feel that way anyway. I certainly felt that way this past week. I hadn't felt so much vitriol and hate in a long time, and I'm really, really glad the worst of it has passed. I was definitely not my best self for a few days there, and I'm not proud of how I handled the situation.

However, now that a few days have passed, I think I may actually be learning something from the experience. As my Mom might say, will wonders never cease?

I understand now that I am not the person I thought I was.

I tend to think of myself as a good person. I'm certainly no saint, that's for sure. Father Maximilian Kolbe I am not. I've done my fair share of dumb stuff. I've done my fair share of somewhat dubious stuff. And, as you all know, I've certainly done way more than my fair share of saying something mean to generate a laugh or two, failing to recognize any hurt caused because, well, someone smiled and laughed. But I'm willing to help out. I'm willing to give up my seat on the bus to an old person. I've offered to help carry an old Chinese womans groceries, as she seemed to be struggling down the sidewalk (she refused). I've given money to a friend who I knew needed it much more badly than I did at the time. I woke up at 6am yesterday and shoveled the sidewalk. I've helped others when they've needed it. I offer a hand at work if I think it's needed. I have a lot of friends who think I'm a good person.

I thought I was tipping the scales in the right direction as far as being a good person, and I still do for the most part, but I'm much less certain of it these days. I'm not saying that so you'll all leave me a nice comment about myself, I'm saying it because I was so very wrong about the one person who I shared the last couple of years with. If I could be so wrong about her, it's quite possible I'm also wrong about most everything else. How many other relationships have I had over the years that weren't anything like what I thought they were? How many other times have I been completely clueless to reality? I guess I need to spend more time making sure that I'm actually doing the things necessary to be who I was hoping I already was. I need to spend some time more closely scrutinizing my actions and thoughts and how they can effect others. I need to work on listening to not just what is said, but more so to what was meant. I actually thought I was a good listener, but I'm much less certain of that now. A lot less certain. This sounds like it won't be all that easy. I have a feeling I'm about to start feeling humbled a bit more often.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised at how we can fool ourselves into thinking we are what we are not. I've been doing it all my life. My mind and I have never really been on the best of terms with one another. I start to think something and it beats me down faster than it took to think the original thought. I try to think I can do something and it says, "uh uh, you're not good enough, so don't bother trying." I'm used to this sort of mind response, but this current situation is different in that I really did believe I was doing something good and worthwhile (and my mind seemed to agree) only to be told that I was way off base in my understanding of the situation. I thought I was being a good person and doing the right things, but all I was doing was hurting someone else. How could I not see that?

So much to think about. Where are my Science of Mind books when I need them?

What I'm trying to say is that I accept responsibility for my part in everything falling apart. I was under the assumption that a bunch of other factors were the main cause, and I thought by fixing those things, we could figure things out. I knew I was to blame to an extent, but I really had no idea how large a part I played in the downfall, and that fixing everything else was never what was necessary to fix the relationship. I was unable to understand that a few weeks ago. I still don't understand everything and I'm sure I never will, but at least I'm in a better place. This place still sucks, but it's way better than where I was just a few short days ago. Hopefully we're both in better places now. The hurt will linger for a long time. At least until I finally decide to let it go. I'm not sure when that will be, but I know it will be awhile. Hopefully it'll be sooner than I think.

In the meantime, I'll try to be a good person now by thanking all the amazing friends and family members who are always there to help me, especially when I need it the most, and unfortunately, that's been all too often these days. I'm extremely grateful to have all of you in my life! I'd like to write that I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today without all of your help and guidance, but since I have no idea who I am today, that may not be much of a compliment. Just please know that all of you have contributed significantly to my life with every kind gesture, big or small. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me and hopefully I can be there for you in your time of need.

Thank you Loreen. Thank you Mom. Thank you Jennifer. Thank you Andrew. Thank you Mark. Thank you Greg. Thank you Rhom. Thank you Bob. Thank you Megan. Thank you Jessica. Thank you Jay. Thank you Rene. Thank you Sean. Thank you Jacqui. Thank you Dan. Thank you Nicole. Thank you Drew. Thank you Chris. Thank you Ellyn. Thank you Sally. Thank you Jody. Thank you Anne Marie. Thank you Kristin. Thank you Brian. Thank you Holly. Thank you Bryan. Thank you Meredith. Thank you Jon. Thank you Anne. Thank you Eve. Thank you Justin. Thank you Abby. Thank you Scott. Thank you Al. Thank you Amity. Thank you Gina. Thank you Stephanie. Thank you Laura. Thank you Sam. My apologies to anyone I didn't include, and if you're not on the list, no worries, I know you've helped me at other times when I needed it so thank you as well!

And finally, I'd like to extend one more thank you to Mary for teaching me something that no one else could have. I'm just sorry that lesson came at such a high price of your time and happiness. I'll do my best to learn from it and become a better person, so at least one of us can walk away having gained something. I know, I know...small consolation for you, but for now, it's all I have. Hopefully one day, you'll consider me a friend and I can help you when you need it most.

Now it's time to get to work.


P.S. I wrote this blog at lunch today completely forgetting that I had received this note from the Universe email this morning. It's pretty appropriate. Here's the link if you'd like to sign up to receive similar emails once a day. http://www.tut.com/

The greatest predicament of living in the jungles of time and space, David, is learning to be happy while still having unfulfilled dreams. The greatest challenge is not looking to the illusions for meaning, definition, and answers. The greatest mystery is figuring out who you really are. And the greatest reward, David, of living in the jungles of time and space, is having predicaments, challenges, and mysteries that you have absolutely aced, crushed, and unraveled. Lucky You, The Universe