Starting Over

"It's been too long since we took the time...".

A bit of John Lennon for you. Great song, maybe I'll listen to it, but actually I won't. Not at this time. Was just looking over my blog and reminiscing about the times way back when...when I actually used to write blogs. Those days seem to have passed, but they haven't, I've just retreated from writing for many reasons, none of which are actually decent. If there's one constant in my life, it's my ability to be inconsistent. I'm great at it. I suppose there are better things to be great at, but we all get what we sow and apparently, this is what I've sowed. It doesn't seem like much of a good thing, but who knows? It may very well turn out to be the best thing. The answer will reveal itself at some point or I'll just have to force the issue and unmask it myself.

It's 1:09 am on a Thursday night and normally I would have been in bed about 3.5 hours ago, but I took a few vacation days just to get away from work for a while. I didn't know it at the time when I requested these days off that it would come at a time when I was really, really, really happy to not be at work. You see, I've worked at this company for just about two and a half years and I've really actually enjoyed being there all this time, which isn't necessarily all that normal, especially in the printing industry. That's not to say I haven't been pissed off or annoyed from time to time...that sort of thing always happens, but this time I was actually pissed off for several days and didn't actually know what I was going to do about it. My responsibilities were changed and I wasn't happy about it. Actually, my responsibilities were shifted, not necessarily changed. I'm not going to go into specifics, as that's not really blog appropriate. It was just sort of shocking to finally not be happy about my situation at this company, that's all. I guess the good times just never last, eh?

I'll see what happens. In reality, this is actually the owners placing their trust in me that they know what they want me to do I will be able to do and I will be able to do it well. That's a good thing, but the specifics of that good thing kind of suck for me as far as work goes and as far as commutes go and as far as just enjoying the camaraderie at work goes. Oh well. I'll just have to suck it up and hope that it helps out the company and helps me out in the long run. Two and a half years ago I was hired to run a digital press they purchased. There was only so much work to do on that press so I started to learn how to run another printing press they had. Then they asked me to learn how to run a router, so I did that. Then they sent me to the warehouse to run the router over there and I did that for the next few months in the sweltering heat of summer. No A/C in the warehouse. Nine months after I was hired they asked me to train someone else to run the digital press so I could move into a production position, which is sort of a management/customer service/salesperson lackey job, so I did that. I've done everything they've ever asked of me and I guess that was valuable to some extent. They knew they could rely on me to get things done correctly and on time. They still know that, but this new situation still kind of sucks.

Let's hope it works out for the best. Guess I'll just have to make sure that it does. That's just what I do at work.

Not sure why I don't do the same in my personal life. My inconsistency at home doesn't really exist at work. It has gotten better at home, but it's still not the same. I guess when there are others who have control of my financial existence I tend to make sure I do what I can to ensure that that existence is secure. When I'm on my own at home I'm the only one that has a say in what I do or don't do. I have gotten better over the past couple years, that's for sure, but I'm not where I want to be. I may never be where I want to be as I'm extremely critical of myself most of the time. There are many blogs I've written that are just lying dormant because I just wasn't quite sure they were worth publishing. That's stupid. This is a blog for my friends and family and I'm pretty sure none of you give a shit if they aren't all ridiculously amazing.

Ha. As if any of them were ever ridiculously amazing. That's a high standard that is kind of stupid in this medium, but I'll settle for all of you just thinking they are entertaining enough to keep you reading 'til the end.

Or even halfway through I suppose.

That's not true. If that's as far as you can bother to get, I've failed.

Humbled Bug.

Warning! This blog isn't going to be all that humorous or perhaps even all that entertaining, but I needed to write it in order to help me sort out some thoughts. This is the fourth blog I've written in the past few days, and this is the only one that will ever see the light of day. Writing has been therapeutic for me lately. One of these days, it'll be back to being fun.

I was given the opportunity, once again, of being completely humbled by life this past week. I've noticed that it's usually not a fun occurrence when one gets humbled, and this time was certainly no exception. How's that one song go? "Flying high on Sunday, shot down a few days later?" I know those aren't the actual song lyrics contained in the popular version, but I'm pretty sure they're from an earlier, rare demo tape, which disappeared long ago, most likely, never to be unearthed during my lifetime.

It's humbling to realize my version of who I was and what I was doing could be so different than another persons version. It's humbling to realize I was selfish and partially the cause of someones pain and depression. It's even more humbling to realize I was completely clueless to all of it.

When we are in pain, it often seems like the worst thing in the world. It's usually not, but we feel that way anyway. I certainly felt that way this past week. I hadn't felt so much vitriol and hate in a long time, and I'm really, really glad the worst of it has passed. I was definitely not my best self for a few days there, and I'm not proud of how I handled the situation.

However, now that a few days have passed, I think I may actually be learning something from the experience. As my Mom might say, will wonders never cease?

I understand now that I am not the person I thought I was.

I tend to think of myself as a good person. I'm certainly no saint, that's for sure. Father Maximilian Kolbe I am not. I've done my fair share of dumb stuff. I've done my fair share of somewhat dubious stuff. And, as you all know, I've certainly done way more than my fair share of saying something mean to generate a laugh or two, failing to recognize any hurt caused because, well, someone smiled and laughed. But I'm willing to help out. I'm willing to give up my seat on the bus to an old person. I've offered to help carry an old Chinese womans groceries, as she seemed to be struggling down the sidewalk (she refused). I've given money to a friend who I knew needed it much more badly than I did at the time. I woke up at 6am yesterday and shoveled the sidewalk. I've helped others when they've needed it. I offer a hand at work if I think it's needed. I have a lot of friends who think I'm a good person.

I thought I was tipping the scales in the right direction as far as being a good person, and I still do for the most part, but I'm much less certain of it these days. I'm not saying that so you'll all leave me a nice comment about myself, I'm saying it because I was so very wrong about the one person who I shared the last couple of years with. If I could be so wrong about her, it's quite possible I'm also wrong about most everything else. How many other relationships have I had over the years that weren't anything like what I thought they were? How many other times have I been completely clueless to reality? I guess I need to spend more time making sure that I'm actually doing the things necessary to be who I was hoping I already was. I need to spend some time more closely scrutinizing my actions and thoughts and how they can effect others. I need to work on listening to not just what is said, but more so to what was meant. I actually thought I was a good listener, but I'm much less certain of that now. A lot less certain. This sounds like it won't be all that easy. I have a feeling I'm about to start feeling humbled a bit more often.

Maybe I shouldn't be surprised at how we can fool ourselves into thinking we are what we are not. I've been doing it all my life. My mind and I have never really been on the best of terms with one another. I start to think something and it beats me down faster than it took to think the original thought. I try to think I can do something and it says, "uh uh, you're not good enough, so don't bother trying." I'm used to this sort of mind response, but this current situation is different in that I really did believe I was doing something good and worthwhile (and my mind seemed to agree) only to be told that I was way off base in my understanding of the situation. I thought I was being a good person and doing the right things, but all I was doing was hurting someone else. How could I not see that?

So much to think about. Where are my Science of Mind books when I need them?

What I'm trying to say is that I accept responsibility for my part in everything falling apart. I was under the assumption that a bunch of other factors were the main cause, and I thought by fixing those things, we could figure things out. I knew I was to blame to an extent, but I really had no idea how large a part I played in the downfall, and that fixing everything else was never what was necessary to fix the relationship. I was unable to understand that a few weeks ago. I still don't understand everything and I'm sure I never will, but at least I'm in a better place. This place still sucks, but it's way better than where I was just a few short days ago. Hopefully we're both in better places now. The hurt will linger for a long time. At least until I finally decide to let it go. I'm not sure when that will be, but I know it will be awhile. Hopefully it'll be sooner than I think.

In the meantime, I'll try to be a good person now by thanking all the amazing friends and family members who are always there to help me, especially when I need it the most, and unfortunately, that's been all too often these days. I'm extremely grateful to have all of you in my life! I'd like to write that I certainly wouldn't be the person I am today without all of your help and guidance, but since I have no idea who I am today, that may not be much of a compliment. Just please know that all of you have contributed significantly to my life with every kind gesture, big or small. I appreciate everything you've ever done for me and hopefully I can be there for you in your time of need.

Thank you Loreen. Thank you Mom. Thank you Jennifer. Thank you Andrew. Thank you Mark. Thank you Greg. Thank you Rhom. Thank you Bob. Thank you Megan. Thank you Jessica. Thank you Jay. Thank you Rene. Thank you Sean. Thank you Jacqui. Thank you Dan. Thank you Nicole. Thank you Drew. Thank you Chris. Thank you Ellyn. Thank you Sally. Thank you Jody. Thank you Anne Marie. Thank you Kristin. Thank you Brian. Thank you Holly. Thank you Bryan. Thank you Meredith. Thank you Jon. Thank you Anne. Thank you Eve. Thank you Justin. Thank you Abby. Thank you Scott. Thank you Al. Thank you Amity. Thank you Gina. Thank you Stephanie. Thank you Laura. Thank you Sam. My apologies to anyone I didn't include, and if you're not on the list, no worries, I know you've helped me at other times when I needed it so thank you as well!

And finally, I'd like to extend one more thank you to Mary for teaching me something that no one else could have. I'm just sorry that lesson came at such a high price of your time and happiness. I'll do my best to learn from it and become a better person, so at least one of us can walk away having gained something. I know, I know...small consolation for you, but for now, it's all I have. Hopefully one day, you'll consider me a friend and I can help you when you need it most.

Now it's time to get to work.


P.S. I wrote this blog at lunch today completely forgetting that I had received this note from the Universe email this morning. It's pretty appropriate. Here's the link if you'd like to sign up to receive similar emails once a day. http://www.tut.com/

The greatest predicament of living in the jungles of time and space, David, is learning to be happy while still having unfulfilled dreams. The greatest challenge is not looking to the illusions for meaning, definition, and answers. The greatest mystery is figuring out who you really are. And the greatest reward, David, of living in the jungles of time and space, is having predicaments, challenges, and mysteries that you have absolutely aced, crushed, and unraveled. Lucky You, The Universe