Then take the outstretched hand
Of one who needs you
It's been so long, we've missed you
Why do you intend to speed your end?
Lie in the dark and let your limbs
Grow weaker, sinking low then deeper
How can you be so near and not see everything?"
Every now and again I feel as if I'm near, but it's only for short, fleeting moments. I don't see everything, that's for sure. I've been doing everything I can, as far as I know, to move on. Stuffing myself full of Science of Mind information. Eating well. Sucking down amino acids like they're delicious Sixlets. Waking up early. Going to bed early. Being productive. Writing more. Meditating. Exercising, when my silly back permits.
Sometimes though, none of that progress means anything. Believe me, the work I've done has helped tremendously, but it's obvious that I need to keep at it and ramp it up to some extent. It's only been two and a half months, but it feels like it's been ten years since I last wrapped my hand up inside of hers. It's worse every time Friday rolls around. Work keeps me busy and occupied during the week and then, all of a sudden, it's time for a few days off and I don't really know what to do with myself. I mean, I know what to do with myself, and I cross plenty of things off my to do list, but my mind doesn't know what to do with all that free time, so it just ends up seeking out the past. It's ridiculous how many things come back to you when you're in this state. There are all the obvious things, but my mind wanders into so many corners and crevices that I didn't even know existed. Everything seems to bring back a memory and this beautiful weather this weekend just made me think of all the things we could have been doing. I suppose when you spend that much time with someone the memory banks inevitably end up overflowing. What I'd give right now to access the spigot that would let it all pour out and go away forever.
Unfortunately, that spigot is my mind, and I'm not yet where I need to be as far as controlling it. I'll get there and I know it really hasn't been all that long, but I need to be more mindful of the things I allow into my mind.
One of those things is music. I've stayed away from a good bit of the music we shared, but I've been lazy as far as filling up my iPod shuffle. Clicking on one of my Buban Bash party playlists and filling it up just isn't cutting it at this point. Case in point, last night, when I was on my long journey home from my friends birthday party in Logan Square, I ended up walking down Halsted for quite a while, as the bus was nowhere near where I needed it to be. I'm listening to my iPod and these three songs came along in consecutive order...
The Mad Lads. I Don't Want to Lose Your Love.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqeeiWPCVsM
"If you leave me baby, I'll keep on loving you anyway.
I wouldn't feel bad girl falling on my knees begging you to stay."
Rainbow. Since You've Been Gone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVlweGKZEqw
"I get the same old dreams, same time every night
Fall to the ground and I wake up.
So I get out of bed, put on my shoes, and in my head
Thoughts fly back to the break-up."
The Beatles. I Need You.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7nIWKApT30
"You don't realize how much I need you
Love you all the time and never leave you
Please come on back to me
I'm lonely as can be
I need you."
I guess I can be thankful that this one didn't start playing next, as it was on the iPod.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7th5Tm5-64
Fortunately, the Joan Baez version of The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down started playing instead. A few minutes later, I got on the bus, had insufficient funds on my Ventra card, exited the bus, and then called up an Uber. Forgot to account for all the bus and train rides this weekend. Oops a daisy.
I don't need to be hearing this shit constantly on my iPod. I constantly have to have my finger on the forward button, so I can skip through all the songs I don't want to deal with. If I didn't listen to music so much, I wouldn't have this problem, but I do, and I'll continue to do, but no more autofilling that iPod of mine. Loving music and barely being able to tolerate it don't go hand in hand very well. Those three songs are great songs, but I'd be fine if I didn't hear them again until 2016, at the earliest. And who the hell wants to hear those kinds of songs at a party? What was I thinking when I started assembling that playlist? It's supposed to be a party, a celebration, a fun time. No one wants to hear songs about love having disintegrated. Keep it happy, keep it upbeat. That's the message I'm trying to embed into my mind. Keep it happy. Keep it upbeat. Reversing a lifetime of negativity doesn't happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day and my mind isn't going to reverse all of that damage in two and a half months.
So I'll be more mindful of what I allow myself to hear. I'll be more mindful of what I'm allowing in. And I'll definitely be more mindful of what I'm allowing out, what I'm letting go.
"There's no point in beating yourself up.
The choice was made, deed is done, day is over.
Time to move on, and with no regrets.
Take with you the lesson but leave the judgment.
Just try again tomorrow."
And yeah, I know, I know, I'm not supposed to post these sorts of weakness/feeling/break up type of posts, but I don't really give a shit. It's my blog. It's how I'm feeling. Writing about it helps for some reason. I don't know why. I do enjoy the writing process, so I suppose whatever helps is a good thing. Sorting out your feelings is also a good thing, you should try it some time. Actually, we should probably do it all the time.
And also I know everything happens for a reason and that everything will work out for the best in the end and that my thoughts determine what happens in my life. Sometimes it's all easier said than done. Someday (hopefully soon) that won't be the case.
And also yeah, yeah, I know...I probably shouldn't post blogs during Blackhawks playoff games, but I'm not watching and perhaps you folks will read it later on after they've won.
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